One Part Good

I. Need. Puppy. Help.

2006-08-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I need help from all you dog lovers out there. As you know, Lucy and I just moved to Nebraska, where she’s had a little trouble adjusting. She’s reverted back to chewing – something she hasn’t done in months. She’s shredded my throw rug, chewed half-way through my bed post, and, now, ripped a three inch hole in my down comforter. She’s getting plenty of exercise with our 3-4 miles walks and the recent discovery of the local 4-acre dog park. I’m giving her lots of pets and kisses every day. The only thing I can think of is that maybe she’s upset because B isn’t here with her like he usually is. And she just isn’t understanding what I mean by “we’ll see him soon!”

Lucy just loves the new place...

2006-08-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

We're Here!

2006-08-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, I’m finally here and moved in. Mostly. I mean, I don’t think those boxes in the corner really count. Nebraska is pretty nice overall. Except of course, for that guy who pissed in my backyard the other afternoon while his friend “Bubba” was hollerin’ for him to “git over thure.” Regardless, Lucy is finally adjusting nicely and realizing who’s the boss.

People here are so nice. I have plans to go out with some new friends on Sunday night for drinks and see an 80s rock band. Plus, the ladies at work are planning a “movie night” sometime soon. But that’s not the half of it. Last night, I’m out walking the pup, and this woman stops to ask me about the dog as she’s (the dog, that is) pooping in her lawn. So we talk for a bit about dogs and this and that, and she says to me, “Do you want me to throw that away for you?” indicating the bag of Lucy’s poop in my hand.

“Excuse me?” I say.

“Oh, I know how annoying it is to carry it around, so you know, I can toss it in my dumpster if you want,” says the crazy lady.

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope.”

“Okay.” And with that the very nice although perhaps mildly insane lady throws away my bag and Lucy and I go on our way.

“Well Lucy, we’re not in the Lou anymore.”

To Nebraska!

2006-07-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

Moving to Nebraska, gonna eat me a lot of corn. And I'm planning on seeing a lot of this while I'm there:

Further Proof that I am no longer in charge of my house.

2006-07-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

Lucy committing the crime:

Lucy pleading her innocence despite being caught red-handed:

Lucy, joyous to have just received probation:

Lucy, rubbing it in my face that she rules the house:

It is official. The puppy has taken over my house.

...And one part punk rock

2006-07-18T11:28:00.000-07:00

So, my pseudo-brother, i.e. the guy who looks like me, thinks like me, picks on me, likes to beat me up, but is in all reality no relation, Josh is in this band, Fifth Row Felons. A while back, they played, here:

Blueberry Hill. The famous one, you know, where Chuck Berry plays? Anywho, the show is all hard punk rock with lots of hootenanny, but fun all the same. His girlfriend and I are always the only ones non-punk saying "Awww!" when he plays.

Top 4 things the Lovely M. Mangas has said to me in the last 6 hours:

2006-07-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

(and I quote)

1. I really wish my nunchucks wouldn't have gotten stolen.

2. "Man, you know what name i think is stupid? Wolf Blitzer."
"Yeah," I said, "that is stupid! That probably isn't even his real name. He just thinks it will make him be taken more seriously in the news world. That's like me calling myself Panther Smackdown".

3. Hey, did I tell you our friend Josh is in a drag show tomorrow at the gay club in Junction CIty. It's Asian themed and it's called Memoirs of a GAYsha.

4. Holy nonsense batman! THis shit in the middle east is really starting to chap my ass.

...And one part wringing my apron.

2006-07-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

Have you been watching this Lebanon - Israel stuff? Did Bush say that he supports Israel? So much for diplomacy. Can't we just stay out of it all? This is scary stuff.

Photo and talent courtesy of the lovely M.Mangas.

...and one part sweltering hot hot heat.

2006-07-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I’ll finally be checking out the New Busch Stadium! The Cardinals play the LA Dodgers, who happen to be in the middle of the NL West shuffle right now. I hear the ball park is amazing and the views of the Arch are beautiful. I can’t wait to share it all with you! I’ll be sitting behind home plate, club level (The Man finally pays out…), so you can watch for me on TV. The heat index for Saturday is 115’, so hopes are that we don’t spontaneously combust.

I'm not normally a huge Card's fan, but I love baseball, period. Who knows? Maybe Pujols will hit another game-winning walk-off homer tomorrow.

...With one piece missing.

2006-07-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

Today for lunch, I brought a fruit cup and one-half of a leftover Einstein's Tasty Turkey Bagel sandwich for lunch. I open the wrapping carefully knowing it's full of turkey, lettucey, cucumbery, sprout-like, onion and chive schmeary, tomatoey gooey goodness, when VOILA! Someone has taken a bite out of my Yummy, wholesome, good for you, low fat, fill-you up tasty turkey on an Everything bagel sandwich. B may never ever hear the end of this.

Hide the leftovers. They are not safe in your kitchen.

FYI: If you don't know Einstein's, you definitely should.

...And one part your server for the evening

2006-07-08T10:08:00.000-07:00

I used to waitress and bartend. I only did this for a short while, and I was most likely terrible at it, but I’ve learned several things while serving. For one, waiting induces alcoholism. I mean, people would go to work, get drunk, and start practicing southern accents on their tables, saying things like, “I’m from Keen-says” and “Oh, pardon me, may-yam, would ya’ll care for another caber-naye?” It never turned out well.

Regardless, waiting was hard work, drunk or sober. Novice servers are often reduced to tears trying to keep eight tables’ orders, seating arrangements, drinks, specials, etc. etc. straight. And that’s without the pressure from the kitchen. If a server makes a teensy mistake, he or she is not only ridiculed by the table (“I’m on a low-carb diet! I wanted mashed potatoes, not baked!”), but also by the kitchen (“Did you put that order in right? Why didn’t you tell me? I’m busy; I don’t have time for that! Oh, wait; here are some mashed potatoes right here. Get it straight!”). Throw into all that stress the sexual tension (inevitably all of the servers have dated one another at any given moment), short tempers, and a Jewish boss who tells you that he’s (and I quote) “Jesus Effing Christ” so what he “says goes around here!” and you might imagine that one poor server, half lit, could make a mistake. I’m just saying.

Top 7 Stories from My Experience as a Waiter that have scared me out of waiting for.ev.er:\

Worth repeating, from the boss: “I am Jesus effing Christ and what I say goes around here and when I say jump you will say how high and if I say to charge the college kids $6 per plate they use to share, you’ll charge $6 per plate that they use!” What?!
“Um, some dog just did his business on the patio and it needs to be cleaned up. Whose section is it?” Yeah, I’ll clean that and bring your fancy pasta dish right up.
“This ain’t no drink! I want more vodker. This ain’t no shot!” More ice, more liquor, same response except this time, swinging her dreads in my face. In. My. Face. Oh, yes, ma’am, I’d be happy to bring you some more “vodker” and charge you for a double… Oh, that will be fine? Okay ma’am, enjoy your cocktail.
It’s my first time carrying a tray of drinks. In a loud, busy room where tables are packed and tension is high. A slip, a wobble, Crash, bang, clatter, “Did I spill that ON you sir?” That loud busy room is now silent. I can only guess the color of my face.
I have to tell 5 large men that they can’t park their Lexus next to our patio and play their music while they sit there as it’s disturbing the other patrons. No one, not even the manager will do it. Patrons are complaining. I ask nicely. I’m threatened with a gun and a guy says he’s going to shoot me. I tell him his music must be very important to him and grab their next round. I’m still alive!
“Hey! You’ve just been quadruple-sat. Here’s the bottle of xanax…”
A group of lovely elderly ladies come in for lunch. We all know what this means. “We’ll take two soups du jour with four spoons to share, two hot teas with four mugs to share, one diet soda with no ice, and none of it will be good enough, hot enough, clean enough, or big enough.”

Overall, nobody puts it better than this guy – Waiter at http://waiterrant.net/ . I highly recommend you check it out, especially if you ever waited tables or had to deal with interesting customers.

…And one part musically inclined

2006-06-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

So, my new favorite song right now is “New Slang” by the Shins (www.theshins.com). I think I like it because it’s steady, easy, slightly slower, and I’m pretty sure that’s a tambourine in the background. And I think every good song requires a tambourine. Cher? She always had a tambourine. And, why not? How cool does one look with a beaded headband, hips swaying with the beat, circle-weaving, bare feet playing the tambourine?? Also considered: Stevie Nicks, Davy Jones, Steve Shelley, and Mick “hips and lips” Jagger.

I took piano and voice lessons for YEARS. Fifteen to be exact. And I guaran-freaking-tee you that if I had taken tambourine lessons instead of piano lessons, I wouldn’t have sat in front of it, banging my head on it’s many cymbals screaming “Nooo! I don’t want to practice! I hate doing this. I hate you!” Then again, I was a pretty bratty child. And my mom was right. I love playing the piano now.

I have a second-story apartment where my piano wouldn’t even fit through the door. Whenever I’m sad or happy or angry or what have you, I always miss being able to play it. My dreams of sugarplums and house-ownership usually include a piano. A piano that’s in a private room so guests can’t play it.

That brattiness didn’t go away completely you know. That piano is mine. Only mine.

Link:
http://www.stardustlanes.com/tambourine.html

Bathtime!

2006-06-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

Even with the rubber ducky, she still has to give me this look everytime I shut the bathroom door.

Top 10 Color Titles I'd use if I had my own Nail Polish Company:

2006-06-22T07:04:00.000-07:00

1. I used to work the meat packing district before it was trendy-red.

2. I wish I was the devil's playground gothic black red.

3. Frat Party! Glitter pink

4. Ohmigod is that like pink

5. Have you seen my new hydrangea plant nude

6. I'm thirteen green

7. Smurfette drinks on the side blue

8. I ain't dropping no benny on a paint job - do-it-yourself french manicure.

9. Only if you're from Oklahoma Orange

10 The toilet water after a Saturday night at Rusty's Outback Bar & Grill Neutral.

Top 10 Superhero Names I would like to have

2006-06-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

1. Super Fly Girl -- But, really, who isn't?
2. Delectagirl -- Hot.
3. Masked Multi-tasker - So I could work undercover and handle all my projects in the office without being bothered.
4. Taupe Ranger -- Because pink and yellow aren't the only colors for the ladies.
5. Her-Man "By the Powers of Transvestites...!"
6. HippoWoman -- Because I'm not sly like a cat or fly like a bat, I could protect rights for overweight people everywhere.
7. Sunshine -- Inflicting sunburns and squinting eyes everywhere. Halle Berry has nothing on this.
8. Ghandi -- What a 5th ninja turtle would have been if he would have resolved that whole anti-violence persona.
9. Terrifica -- Saving the world with perkiness, one breast at a time.
10. Hillary Clinton - The ability to make men's balls retract everywhere.

22 pounds and counting...

2006-06-20T06:57:00.000-07:00

B and I have an ongoing bet on whether she'll be medium-sized (that's him) or large-size (that'd be me). Four and one-half months and 22 pounds -- Dude. I'm so winning this bet.

...And one part autobiographical

2006-06-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

I am 25 years old, living in St. Louis with the love of my life, B (name changed to protect the innocent and mislead). We have a beautiful 4-month old puppy, Lucy, who enjoys sucking the life out of me and insists on watching me on the toilet.

You’ll have to excuse me because I am totally into sports, but mostly football and not so much hockey. I love me some soccer players, but have a hard time with the sport. Unfortunately, I am completely lacking in coordination, thus possessing an inability to play any sports, even terribly. I’m just saying, it may come up.

Right now I work wherever will take me. Currently, at an extra-large engineering corporation where my boss says I have job security and baseball tickets and HR says I have health insurance and a paycheck. This is good.

I attended William Jewell College in Liberty, MO, followed by Kansas State University in Manhattan, KS (Watch their bball this year, folks! They’re coming back!). I graduated from K-State with a degree in English. I studied International Business for years before getting so bored and tired of sleeping (is that possible?) through my classes that I switched to English. So I guess I consider myself both majors.

My parents are ultra-conservative, resemble a slightly cult-like following of Dr. (?) James Dobson and the AFA (God save their souls), and enjoy explaining to me how I’m living in sin because I voted for Kerry, among other things. Luckily, I got a tattoo on my forehead proclaiming “I’m Not Like Them” as to not be misunderstood on the rare occasion when in public with them. My sister is a cheerleader who enjoys calling me once a day to fulfill her “like” quota for the day and filling me in on her most recent alcohol consumption – related drama. My brother is amusingly geeky, but I’ll never forget him at four years old twirling plastic numchucks and flinging himself off the couch singing “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Heroes in a half-shell! Turtle Power!” Cowabunga, dude and dudette!

I secretly love advice columns, Soduku, LipSmackers, and reviewing real estate ads. I publicly love Jameson -- neat (I’ll take two), reading, researching the random, trying new foods, over-sized jewelry, traveling, and music at random, like:

Ray Lamontagne
Patrick Park
The Killers
Snow Patrol
George Strait
Alan Jackson
The Roots
Mos Def

I started my blog because I read so many other blogs each day that it just seemed like the next thing to do in feeding my addiction. So here it is: one part good, one part an attempt at the English Language.

"What? I didn't do anything!"

2006-06-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

Top 10 reasons why rum is better than prune juice.

2006-06-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

1.) Because pirates don't drink prune juice...they drink RUM! If captain Jack Sparrow had said,"Why's the prune juice gone?" No one would have thought that very badass at all.

2.) Because you can't light a fire with prune juice.

3.) Because rum is good even at room temperature. Prune juice is good at NO temperature.

4.) Because nursing homes would be way more fun if they pushed half as much rum as they do prune juice.

5.) Because there are like 50 different kinds of rum (dark rum, white rum, spiced rum etc.). How many kinds of prune juice are there? One and only one, it's a monopoly and that's unfair to the consumer.

6.) Because prune juice is made from prunes which are dehydrated plums. No one even likes plums to begin with, they are the ugly stepsister of some kind of decent fruit like a peach or something. Whereas I don't know what rum is made from but it's probably something like rainbows and sweet dreams or babies laughter or something like that.

7.) Because if Parrot Bay doesn't sound like heaven, I don't know what does.

8.)Because rum makes white people able to dance. Prune juice just makes you squirm.

9.) Because prune juice never sponsored spring break in Daytona Beach, Florida for me, and whether rum knows it or not...
it DID.

10.) Because although rum could cause you to poop your pants, it is far less likely to than prune juice and it would take WAY more. Plus if you poop your pants from all that rum, it can be considered a learning experience. With prune juice it's just considered incontinance. Way less cool.

(Thanks to the lovely M.Mangas for her submission, suggestion, and addiction to rum and pirates.)

... And one part grumpy pants

2006-06-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was just A. DAY. I mean really. It was the kind of day that made me seriously consider therapy, valium, and calling my mother. And that’s really how it’s been all week. I’m not even going to deny that I like to complain about things – it’s just my way of telling you what’s going on.

I guess I must have slept on it. I don’t remember any dreams – usually a Jameson nightcap will keep my night gloriously free and empty. I set my alarm for 20 minutes later so I could get some extra rest. The morning should have been nice. I had Count Chocula and the “Today Show” for breakfast (Why Meredith Vierra?? Why?? I DO like Campbell Brown!). But I must have really dreamed and worked something up overnight because I woke up completely vexed, and there was nothing Matt Lauer’s interview with Britney Spears was going to do to cheer it up. (A for Effort though, Matt. Really loved the tears over the paparazzi!)

Then of course, there’s always the straw. Last straw, straw that broke the camel’s back, short straw, long straw, whatever. This morning, it was Lucy. The little pup she is, just will not, absolutely refuses to potty when there is you know, noise, clatter, people, birds, squirrels, wind, rain, or something to smell outside. Normally this doesn’t get to me because she can make up her mind in a 5-10 minutes. This morning, however, it took 20 minutes. Do you know how long 20 minutes is when you are standing in your slippers thinking about how each passing minute is one more minute you’re late for work and that much extra traffic you are going to get to deal with? (NO, thank YOU, St. Louis, for beginning construction on every major roadway in a 30 mile radius of where I live and don’t live. Thank YOU.). Regardless, I love her little booty shake attempt at wagging when I come home everyday, and I love to play with her and let her outside. This morning, it was not, however. Not at all. After the ordeal, we finished getting ready, Lucy sensing my annoyance played by herself in the other room, and I got ready to leave. B was curled up in bed, so I brought him a glass of water and wrapped him like a burrito in the blankets. I was just going to kiss him goodbye, but I was so disgruntled, I fell onto him completely and started crying, complaining that I didn’t know why, but that I was a huge grumpy pants and I didn’t want to have a meeting today. And I knew Ian would taunt me about the World Cup because the US will be out after they play Italy and England, of course, is doing just fine. (Trinadad & Tobago: What happened to you? No, really, what happened? I can’t watch the games at work…)

Anyway, I felt like such a sissy because I was crying and angry and didn’t know why, but I had to go to work. And I’m not usually this emotional, I swear. And he said to have a good day and that he loved me so very much. And I went to work, sat through my meeting, was teased about US soccer / football, had 85 problems at work by 10 a.m., and then I receive these 50 perfect white daisies, which smell gloriously of pollen. They’re dainty and gaudy all at the same time, and I love them. The note:

“Have a good day Grumpy Pants.”

Top 10 Themes I'd like to see for weddings

2006-06-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

Given that it's wedding season, here's something to think about the next time you're knee-deep in knock off wine and taffeta.

1.) Alice in Wonderland theme. You could have things like a DJ that only played classical music and Tom Petty and you could have teeny tiny forks but GIANT cups or something (cause you know in the movie Alice keeps shrinking and growing). And you could get your friends to dress like rabbits and playing cards which would save a ton on tuxedos and dresses.

2.) Punk rock theme ( Sex Pistols, SLC Punk etc.). Because imagine all those drunk guests trying to skank with ripped up fishnets and faux-hawks listening to Minor Threat...if that doesn't remind you of your love for each other, I don't what will.
3.) Pirates, obviously. You could have a bunch of heart and dagger stick-on tattoos printed up that say "Maynard loves Glady" or whatever and instead of throwing rice, everyone could release a wild parrot! That would probably give people something to wear an eye-patch about.

4.) Mimes! And the only person who could talk is the priest.
This would practical and humorous. Practical because mimes wear black and white and so do most of the wedding party. Humorous because when the priest said "speak now or forever hold your peace", even if you crazy ex boyfriend was there with a snoot full of vodka or something, you could just be thinking,"yeah, eat THAT sucka."

5.) Cowboys and Indians. You could have a mechanical bull and give everyone cap guns and you could have a face painter there to paint up the people who want to be Indians. Then right when the bride and groom are getting ready to go they could stage a fake game of William Tell and the Bride could pretend to shoot the groom and kill him and then after a minute the groom could wake up and be like,"PSYCH! Got ya suckers! We're out!"

6.) Transvestite theme. That would be hilarious to see what kind of dresses the men could fit into and the women wouldn't have to spend a ton of money on makeovers and accessories. And the first dance could be to some Culture Club song.

7.) Indian theme. You could hire an accupuncturist and some one to decorate everybody with Henna tattoos. If you really wanted to get radical you could have elephant rides. But you probably want to have cool stuff like that because you'd want to avoid booze at the reception because of the digestive effects it might have when mixed with curry.
So, yeah, you'd want those elephants to calm the rioting.

8.) Wizard of Oz. You could use only little kids as the wedding party because they look like munchkins. Yeah, you'd look like Michael Jackson for doing this, but think of the spectacle all those little kids could make. It would be GLORIOUS!

9.) Dress as your favorite animal theme. This would be fun because you could tell the DJ to say,"ok, Noah's ark dance! And then if two people were both dressed as pandas, they would have to dance and hopefully no one would get left out that way.

10.)Pig Latin theme. You would have to carry a punch card up to the bar and after you got 3 drink punches on it, you could only speak in Pig Latin. This would solve the problem of the brides friend getting loaded and running up to someone with a video camera and telling them the brides been taking downers for the last week so she didn't have a nervous breakdown. Because things like that happen sometimes I guess.

(Thank you to the lovely M.Mangas for her submission!)

Things I Promise Never to Do in/on My Blog

2006-06-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

For you, dear reader, I solemnly vow NOT to do the following things at the commencement of my blog:

Type in all lowercase.
Misspell the word “definintely,” er, “definitly,” no, wait, “definitely,” again.
Use the f-word, c-word, etc. etc. Let’s keep it somewhat clean.
Use more than thee exclamation points at a time.
Type in all uppercase.
Subject you to my terrible taste in music, movies, or TV.

Things I promise TO Do in my blog:

Post pictures that I think are interesting.
Direct you to other, more interesting blogs and websites
Write about cool places to visit/dine/explore when I get to visit/dine/explore them.
Be honest with the reader, but maintain a level of decency about it all.
Share with you interesting books as I read them and dub them “interesting.”